theMEbeneath

have you ever wanted a place you could just say anything you need to without anyone else knowing it was you? then check this out

theMEbeneath

this is not for me. this is for you. this is for everyone. 

this is for everyone who needs to get something off their chest and into the universe but is afraid of what people around them will think or say. say it here. this is for everyone who hates themselves and no one knows it. let that hate go here. this is for everyone who has been depressed and suicidal and cannot make themselves face another day. find the strength to face another day here. this is for everyone who has lost a loved one and in losing that person has also lost themselves. admit you are lost here. this is for everyone who has felt they were not good enough in any and every way. let yourself be enough here. this is for everyone who is broken inside and smiles outside. break down here. this is for every person who is struggling and every person who is hurting. this is for every broken person and every reason for being broken. This is for everyone who has someone else hiding beneath their skin that no one else knows. And even if you think it isn’t.

this is for you

 

they are in need of more support and submissions. please help them out!

i am not a poet

maybe it’s wrong
that i tell you this all
of my heart, its death,
and how i’ve tried to move on.

but i can’t find the words
to describe what it’s like
to wake up every morning
and know that he’s gone

to know that each breath
takes me further away
from the last time he hugged me
when i didn’t get to say

goodbye or i love you
or see the smile on his face

because it wasn’t there that day
when he left me behind
it was gone and i could see it
when i looked in his eyes
that he knew he wouldn’t be here
for tomorrow’s sunrise

i knew
and i left

he knew
and he left

with one question
why?

falling [forward]

It has been months since I last posted. Multiple reasons for this besides the obvious one of losing my brother include no internet, moving, starting a new job, not knowing what to say, and feeling empty beyond words. Basically these all still apply, except for the no internet thing. I now have internet. Also I’m getting more comfortable at my new job. 

Sometimes I have breakdowns. Like entirely sobbing uncontrollable this is kind of ridiculous no direct reason melt downs. I miss my brother. It makes me physically sick, the amount that I miss him. I would do anything to hug that kid again. I would have given up my entire world and changed all of my plans if it meant he would have stuck around. I miss my partner in crime and workout buddy and best friend and co-op game partner. I miss staying up all night watching netflix and playing pokemon and zelda and eating junk food and drinking caffeine. I miss the stupid things he would say and how he would make up these crazy stories and try to pass them as real. I miss how obsessed he was with himself and how he was always finding an excuse to walk around with his shirt off to try to impress the neighbor girls. I miss how he would get mad if he didn’t get his daily hug. But now it’s me who doesn’t get my daily hug because he left me here without him. It has been four months since he left, and I don’t miss him one bit less. 

I look at this upcoming new year, and I have a hard time looking forward to it. I look at it as the first year I have to live without him. That’s a terrible thought. It scares the hell out of me. I know I’ve made it four months, but sometimes I’m not really sure how I have. I just want him back. I wish I could redo this year. I would do so many things differently. 

falling [down]

if there is anything harder than this in life, i don’t want to experience it. if there is anything that hurts more, i don’t want to feel it. i did not understand what it meant to feel broken hearted. i thought i had felt a broken heart before, but it was nothing compared to this. this is a physical pain, tearing into my chest. it is a pain that spreads through my entire body. words don’t begin to describe this. my heart is heavy. beyond belief. i am so sorry to anyone who has had to live through the gaping hole left behind after a loved one takes their own life. is there anything that will help fill this hole? is there anything that will help dull this pain? will this pain ever subside?
i miss my baby brother. sometimes i can’t even believe this is real.

falling [emptiness]

food is an important part of a balanced diet. – fran lebowitz

i’ve realized it is much harder to blog living at my parents house than it was at my own place. once again, for the millionth time, i’m sorry it has been so long.

i’ve really struggled lately. things got pretty extreme, and I’m trying to work through them. i was [still am] feeling very negative toward myself. i just hated myself so much. so i decided to do something about it. in my head, i was eating healthy and going to the gym and working out to feel better about myself. but i just seemed to eat a little bit too much. so i cut out all of the junk, and stopped drinking soda. but that wasn’t quite enough either. so i worked out more, and more, and more. and then i cut out meat because meat just wasn’t so great for me. and i started to see the scale’s number get lower, and lower. but it wasn’t ever low enough. so i started cutting out all snacks, even if they were fruits and vegetables. and i started cutting out entire meals. because i didn’t need that much food. it just weighed me down. and even though the scale said i was getting smaller i couldn’t see it. i just saw that person staring back in the mirror at me with those huge thighs and pudgy stomach and flabby arms and i couldn’t see what the scale said i should be seeing. i knew the person in my mirror should be getting smaller, but for some reason i wasn’t. i got obsessed with my thigh gap, and then my knees didn’t touch when i had my feet together but my legs were still so big, so massive. all of my jeans got way too big for me but i still couldn’t see that i was getting any smaller. people started saying things about how small i was, how i should eat some ice cream at the party because i needed some fat on me, all i could think was look at all of this fat that is already on me. in my head, i still needed to lose at least ten pounds.

eventually i started having anxiety attacks any time i was around food. especially if other people were there. i didn’t want people to look at the gross amount of food i was eating, even though i was eating much less than anyone else there. i didn’t want to hear comments about it, i didn’t want to be forced to eat this greasy, disgusting mess of food. no pizza for me. just give me some strawberries and greek yogurt please?

finally, after an outing with some friends, i just had a complete break down at my boyfriend’s. i just started crying about how sick i am of being guilty for eating, of looking at my reflection and hating the person who looks back at me, of getting on the scale every single time i’m in the bathroom, to make sure that i haven’t gained weight yet. to make sure that one banana i had didn’t pack on at least three pounds like i’m sure it should. i was so sick of counting calories compulsively, of having to know the calories in anything before i could eat it, of being afraid of anything that would be more than 100 calories. i figure that by this point, i ate maybe around 500 calories a day, and working out between 2-5.5 hours a day. sometimes i would eat as few as 200 calories, sometimes i would eat as much as 800. but heaven forbid i ever break 1000 calories in one day. that was enough to send me into shock and an instant break down.

so i have been reading self help books, and trying to realize that i have a problem with food. again. i’m trying very hard to make myself eat and to make myself believe that the amount i’m eating and the amount i weigh is not enough and not healthy. even though i have realized that i am struggling with this, i don’t know how to make myself not struggle with it anymore. in my head, i can think “it is time for lunch. i need to eat something” but then i get up to the kitchen and look at all of the food and think of how gross it is and how fat it will make me and how none of it sounds good and i don’t want to put that effort into myself and most the time i either end up eating nothing or eating something like a banana or some strawberries. i have forgotten how to eat in a lot of ways, and it is very hard to change that mentality. i was in denial of having a problem, i wanted to just believe that i was just trying to be healthier, which is how it started. but it just kept getting more and more extreme. i’m trying very hard to change my thoughts, but right now i just want to cry whenever i have to eat food. i want to be okay with food. i know in my head i am exercising to the point that i probably need more calories than the average person. but i don’t know how to eat that much anymore. i don’t know how to eat junk because my stomach doesn’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how to eat actual meals because my stomach doesn’t know how to handle it. i don’t know how to handle it. i don’t know how to be full anymore.

falling […]

i’m sorry that once again it has been a while since my last post. my life got incredibly crazy for a little bit, and i definitely was struggling to say the least. i also tend to struggle more when i move back to my parents’ house for the summer, and then on top of that i graduated from college which was an incredibly bitter-sweet experience knowing i would never go back there as a student, and it no longer was my home. 

i don’t totally know what’s wrong with me lately. just that i am incredibly sad, unmotivated, moody, etc. i don’t want to do anything. everything just seems like it is so much work. i have a hard time even getting myself out of bed in the morning. and then once i finally do get out of bed, and shower, and get ready, i’m so exhausted that i just want to lay down and take a nap. then, because i pretty much don’t do anything all day, i feel like even more of a waste of space, and i’m even less motivated the next day, and i hate myself even more the next day. i know it’s a really bad cycle, and i know i really need to break it. i know i just need to stop making excuses, and make myself do something. but i almost feel like i don’t even know how to do that anymore. 

i’m just struggling a lot with myself lately. i’m not sure why i hate myself so much. i am not sure why i find myself so disgusting and why i can only see the negatives. but i do. i hate mirrors. and at the same time i can’t seem to stop staring at how awful that person is looking back at me. i just see this person with frizzy hair and a chubby face and a gut and huge thighs and flabby arms and someone who is just so… gross. someone who isn’t good enough. for anyone. someone who just isn’t good for anyone around her. 

i’m sorry. my head is just not a great place to be right now. i don’t even know how to stop the thoughts in my head anymore. and it’s just exhausting trying to fight them.

falling [perfection]

i have decided to write my story, from the beginning. at least where i think things started. this will be a series of posts, about various things that have influenced and shaped me into the person i am today. instead of doing this only chronologically, i’m going to do it by issues i have dealt with in my life. so i hope it all makes sense.

i think where things really started for me was my extreme sense of perfectionism and right and wrong. as a kid, i had to be the best. partially because i am a competitive person, but more because i had this idea that if i wasn’t the best, i wouldn’t be good enough for anyone’s love. i still feel that way actually. i remember in elementary school if i got anything less than an a on an assignment, i would cry. because that meant i wasn’t the best. that meant i wasn’t perfect. it meant i was not good enough. and why would someone want to love a person who was so awful and dumb? 

so, i was the kid who did extra credit even though i had an a. multiple times throughout my educational career i have ended up with over 100% in a class. because an a just isn’t good enough anymore. 

my sense of needing to be perfect has warped my view of myself and my life. when it is a way that i have been my whole life, i don’t know how to think any other way. when it comes to school, i have to be the top of my class. i have to get the highest score. i have to be the best. because if i’m not, it means i’m not good enough. it doesn’t matter if half the work would still get me an a. i have to go above and beyond, just in case. it doesn’t matter that i got a full ride scholarship to graduate school. what matters is i didn’t get the score i wanted on the stupid entrance test. so i know i don’t deserve that scholarship. 

this sense of perfection transfers to my self-image. i am incredibly self conscious, and incredibly insecure. i have a difficult time looking at myself and being positive in any way because all i see are the imperfections. i see the fact that i am breaking out a little bit. that my nose is too big. that my stomach isn’t flat or toned enough, and that my legs and arms have way too much extra skin and fat. some days i absolutely hate looking in the mirror because it hurts so much to see me staring back. to see all those imperfections. to know how imperfect i am in every way. and to believe those imperfections make me unworthy of anyone’s love. 

i think when it really comes down to it, the majority of my issues and problems i have faced boils down to my perfectionism. because of the unattainable standard i have set for myself, i am now and will always be a failure. i will never be good enough. 

falling [behind]

right now, i should be doing homework. or work. or something productive with my life.

instead, all i have done today is sleep and stare at the computer screen hoping things will magically get done on their own. i have no motivation right now. and i don’t know why. i have a million things to finish before finals and graduation next week and all i want to do is quit. i just want to pack up and go home and be done.

so, at the end of the day when i have done pretty much nothing with my life, i think it is fairly needless to say that i am hating myself.

i just don’t know what is wrong with me. i mean i try to read my textbooks and write my papers but i just stare at the page and i can’t seem to comprehend what i am trying to do. it’s really frustrating. i have always been a good student, and always been able to motivate myself to do well. so why can’t i anymore? right now i really just want to curl up in a ball and hide beneath the blankets and pillows and sheets and sleep. and then after i fall asleep, i just don’t want to wake up. i am just hating myself so much, and hating yourself that much is so exhausting. plus i just kind of feel like i’m a waste of space and time and energy and effort. i wish i could just last one more week. i’m so far behind in school. i wish i could push myself to just be motivated and get things done.

i’m just so exhausted. i can’t seem to push myself anymore. it’s too much effort for someone who isn’t worth it any way.

the liebster award

liebster-award

thank you to normalisthenewweird for nominating me for this award. i was definitely surprised and very appreciative of the support i have received for my blog. honestly, when i started this i didn’t think anyone would ever actually read it, let alone want to follow it. so thank you =]

What is it?
The Liebster Award is designed to bring recognition to smaller blogs–that is, blogs with 200 or fewer followers.

The Rules
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions asked of you, and create 11 new questions for the bloggers you nominate.
3. Nominate 11 blogs you think deserve to be noticed, and leave comments for them letting them know they’ve been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag-backs.

Starting with 11 things about me…
1. i am incredibly insecure.
2. i love the arts, and i am a fairly accomplished pianist and dancer.
3. i love to cook, but i hate to eat.
4. whenever i leave my car, i have to check the handle three times to make sure it is locked (a bit ocd i know…)
5. i have an unexplainable fear that inanimate objects possibly have feelings. i don’t know why, but i have worried that i would hurt the feelings of random things since i was a kid.
6. i am one of the biggest nerds you will ever meet.
7. i enjoy playing video games even though i am much too competitive for them.
8. i can’t make decisions. decisions terrify me.
9. i love to read, and i become incredibly attached to my favorite books and characters.
10. i still sleep with stuffed animals.
11. i’m terrified that i will never be good enough or deserve love.

Now for some answers…

1. What has been the best/most surprising thing you’ve learned from blogging?

i think what has surprised me the most is the support from others. i started my blog assuming no one would ever read it. i figured it would never really go anywhere and no one would want to read what i had to say. but it’s been the opposite experience altogether and i am grateful to everyone who takes the time to read my posts.

2. If you could go back and make one moment of your life last just a little bit longer, what would it be?
wow. this one is tough. i’m not even totally sure. if i would want any moments to last longer.

3. What are your favorite and least favorite foods?
i love potatoes. i hate zucchinni.

4. If you could move your entire life somewhere else for a year and then come right back to where you were and pick up where you left off, where would you move to?
i would move to hawaii. or some other tropical island (hawaii is the only one i have ever been to) i love the beach and the ocean. i love humidity and i love warm weather.

5. What would you tell today’s kids/teenagers if you could get them all together (and be assured they will listen to you) for 30 minutes?
i would tell them that they are good enough. they don’t need to compare themselves to everyone else around them and they don’t need to worry what others think about them. who they are is enough. i would tell them to learn to be happy with who they are.

6. Would you rather be surprised by death or have time to prepare?
i would definitely rather be surprised by death.

7. What quality do you admire in someone you know that you wish you had yourself?
i admire people’s self assurance. i wish i was more confident in myself and my abilities.

8. What is the best time of day?
the evening. when it’s still light but it’s getting dark. it’s beautiful.

9. Is Facebook wonderful or too dangerous to be worth it?
i think facebook can be a good thing and a great way to keep people connected. however, i think it is overemphasized and used and i definitely think people need to interact in traditional ways instead of only online.

10. When is it ok to keep a secret?
i think if you are trying to surprise someone, it’s definitely okay. i also think that there are things that not everyone needs to know, and it’s okay if you don’t share those things with everyone. however, i think you should share everything with someone you are in a relationship with. letting people know your secrets is an expression of trust between the two of you. if you don’t trust someone to love you despite your flaws, you shouldn’t be with them.

11. How do you overcome writer’s block with your blog?
sometimes i just try to start writing anyway. half the time i delete those posts, but i do try to write regardless of how i’m feeling. but sometimes it is more beneficial to just take a break for a little bit, and not try to force it.

my nominations:

okay, i’m still pretty new to blogging, but here are my nominations so far. i will update this list as i find more blogs. =]

mental health matters
i choose happiness
marrosmusings
starvingdaughters

my questions for the nominees:

  1. why did you start your blog?
  2. what is your favorite thing about yourself?
  3. what do you struggle most with in your daily life?
  4. if you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
  5. what is the least favorite job you have ever had?
  6. the protagonist from the last tv show you watched, movie you watched, and book you read are on your zombie survival team. who is one your team?
  7. if you had to move and could only take three things with you, what would you take?
  8. who has had the biggest influence on your life?
  9. if you could do anything when you grow up, what would you do?
  10. you have a million dollars. what do you do with it?
  11. what is your biggest fear?

Blog for Mental Health 2013

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

i was pledged by http://samillion.wordpress.com/ a few weeks ago. i wasn’t sure if i was going to do this or not, since i wasn’t totally sure if my blog counted or not but i figured enough of my posts are about my struggles so hopefully it’s okay. i’m kind of excited and nervous to do this, and hopefully something i say can help whoever reads this in some way. 

i guess i’ve never put “my story” out there, so i think i may make a series of posts about it, where i go really into depth and everything. but for right now, i’ll keep it short and sweet. 

i don’t remember exactly when it started for me. i have always been a perfectionist, and i have always had anxiety over everything. i don’t remember what it’s like to not worry about being the best or to just not worry at all. but when it really got bad was in middle school. i don’t know what it was about middle school, but i got incredibly depressed. i was not enough, i was not good enough, and no matter how hard i tried i didn’t know how to be happy. in fact, i didn’t know how to feel. so, this is when i started cutting. i hid it for years, and i’m not sure how. i got to the point where i would cut for every reason, multiple times a day. razors and blades were hidden everywhere, just in case. to this day, i still find things hidden throughout my room.  with this came a feeling that my world was out of control. i struggled with my family, and our relationship was very rocky during these years. out of frustration, fear of not being good enough, feeling out of control in every way, i controlled the only thing i thought i could – how much i ate. at one point i was below 90 pounds. i would go days without eating a single thing. food was my enemy and blades were my friend.

it wasn’t until i was talking to my friend’s older brother that i realized that something was really wrong with me, but not in the way i had believed. i thought things were wrong with me because i wasn’t good enough. i didn’t realize the feeling of not being good enough was the thing i was wrong about. because of him and his reassurances, eventually, i went to counseling and was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. they put me on meds and i went to therapy multiple times a week. i hated it, and i eventually lied my way out of therapy.  i stopped taking my meds and it has been a roller coaster of emotions throughout the years.

recently, my depression and anxiety has escalated. i went back to the doctor, and i am currently back on meds. some days i think they help. other days, i think they make it worse. even though i struggle a lot, i am incredibly lucky to have an incredible best friend and boyfriend to continue to help me through it. no matter how hard of a day i have, he always reminds me that i am not alone. and i guess that’s what i want you to know. that’s why i blog and that’s why i even bother saying anything. because i want you to know you are not alone. no matter how difficult it is to be inside of your head, you aren’t alone. other people do understand. 

now, i am going to pledge five more people. i am doing this semi-randomly, and pledging blogs that i do not know.

1. http://whatfeelings.wordpress.com/

2. http://lifeofavrilptsdandme.wordpress.com/

3. http://barebonesbrokenscars.wordpress.com/

4. http://whereistandblog.wordpress.com/

5. http://inmydark.wordpress.com/

Don’t forget that when you take this pledge to visit http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2013/01/25/blog-for-mental-health-2013/ and leave a comment with the link to your pledge so that you can be included on the blogroll as well!