I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.
i was pledged by http://samillion.wordpress.com/ a few weeks ago. i wasn’t sure if i was going to do this or not, since i wasn’t totally sure if my blog counted or not but i figured enough of my posts are about my struggles so hopefully it’s okay. i’m kind of excited and nervous to do this, and hopefully something i say can help whoever reads this in some way.
i guess i’ve never put “my story” out there, so i think i may make a series of posts about it, where i go really into depth and everything. but for right now, i’ll keep it short and sweet.
i don’t remember exactly when it started for me. i have always been a perfectionist, and i have always had anxiety over everything. i don’t remember what it’s like to not worry about being the best or to just not worry at all. but when it really got bad was in middle school. i don’t know what it was about middle school, but i got incredibly depressed. i was not enough, i was not good enough, and no matter how hard i tried i didn’t know how to be happy. in fact, i didn’t know how to feel. so, this is when i started cutting. i hid it for years, and i’m not sure how. i got to the point where i would cut for every reason, multiple times a day. razors and blades were hidden everywhere, just in case. to this day, i still find things hidden throughout my room. with this came a feeling that my world was out of control. i struggled with my family, and our relationship was very rocky during these years. out of frustration, fear of not being good enough, feeling out of control in every way, i controlled the only thing i thought i could – how much i ate. at one point i was below 90 pounds. i would go days without eating a single thing. food was my enemy and blades were my friend.
it wasn’t until i was talking to my friend’s older brother that i realized that something was really wrong with me, but not in the way i had believed. i thought things were wrong with me because i wasn’t good enough. i didn’t realize the feeling of not being good enough was the thing i was wrong about. because of him and his reassurances, eventually, i went to counseling and was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. they put me on meds and i went to therapy multiple times a week. i hated it, and i eventually lied my way out of therapy. i stopped taking my meds and it has been a roller coaster of emotions throughout the years.
recently, my depression and anxiety has escalated. i went back to the doctor, and i am currently back on meds. some days i think they help. other days, i think they make it worse. even though i struggle a lot, i am incredibly lucky to have an incredible best friend and boyfriend to continue to help me through it. no matter how hard of a day i have, he always reminds me that i am not alone. and i guess that’s what i want you to know. that’s why i blog and that’s why i even bother saying anything. because i want you to know you are not alone. no matter how difficult it is to be inside of your head, you aren’t alone. other people do understand.
now, i am going to pledge five more people. i am doing this semi-randomly, and pledging blogs that i do not know.
Don’t forget that when you take this pledge to visit http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2013/01/25/blog-for-mental-health-2013/ and leave a comment with the link to your pledge so that you can be included on the blogroll as well!